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April 18
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This is my memory of us.
About me
For you.


I meet you.

The butterfly takes shape within the first clasp of our hands,
Molded unknowingly by our fingers,
Its early wings unwittingly cut out of our first startled glance.
Its body builds itself alive in our awareness of each other.
It wants to fly in fearful recognition
Between us,
I think.

It briefly stutters into existence,
While we awkwardly talk at each other
And we make accidental and fleeting connections,
That we sever almost immediately.
It stills and waits when we look away
And it flares in a brief, passing touch.

Its wings unfurl unbearably in my chest
Struggling to burst out.
I cannot breathe because I can't stop smiling.
My hands are trembling
And so am I.

I feel we don't have together at the same time,
Even if we have each other in the same place.
Because
We birth and destroy imaginary, separate swarms,
Flinging them outward and upward,
Their confused bodies with incomplete wings
Shredding into each other senselessly,
Dizzyingly.
I count them
Regardless.
Amazed and joyous.

I want to live here and now,
But I am afraid.
I am sorry.

We part, each taking one wing, conjured out of words and smoke.
You tear up yours when you run away from me.
Its unfinished body lies trampled,
Where for short moments
We tried to live in the same place
Maybe.

Maybe I was the only one
For whom
It haltingly flew between us.
I would like to know.

I can't stop smiling,
Even if I am a little sad.

I am alive.
Thank you.
July 14th 2004 - April 18th, 2014
There's a line I left out intentionally from the first stanza. Depending on how things turn out, I'll put it back in. It's unbearably sappy as it is.

In the same series as this one siedhr.deviantart.com/art/Love…

Comments and criticism always welcome. Thank you for reading.


Critique for theWrittenRevolution : comments.deviantart.com/1/4483…
Critique for lacoterie comments.deviantart.com/1/4478…
comments.deviantart.com/1/3353…

1) What does this poem say to you? What do you think it's about? I'm very interested in how it comes across. I've tried to embed several layers of meaning in it. It should speak differently to people, depending on their life experiences and personality.
2) What do you think of the title? It's catchy, but this poem is not really about love.
3) I'm unsure about these lines:
"This is my memory of us.
About me
For you.
"
and
"I feel we don't have together at the same time,
Even if we have each other in the same place."
Are they redundant? I'm thinking about taking them out.
4)What do you think of the flow, line breaks etc?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmedoriko:
Medoriko Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2014  Student Writer
:wave: Hello! This critique is on behalf of PowerfulWriting!

To address your questions:

1. It comes across as a non-cliche first love. It seems as if the person is falling in love for the first time and it is both raw and pure. I like how it comes across, and the emotions seem to run very strong.

2. I'm not terribly fond of the title, considering it gives away the poem before I read it. That and it is a touch cliche using the word "love" in a poem about love. I think you could use a stronger title. Something that doesn't give too much away.

3. I LOVE those lines, personally. I think it gives the poem a sweet touch at the start before the rest of the poem begins. It is like getting a view into the persons thoughts. I think it is great and you should be proud of it. The "I feel we don't have time together..." could be taken out. But the "This is my memory of us", is strong enough to be left in.

4.I think the flow and linebreaks are fine. I didn't come across any parts that seemed blatantly off.

Overall, I really enjoyed the piece. It's nice to read a love poem that isn't too sweet and "lovey dovey" Good job!
Reply
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hey there,

 

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

 

I’ll start by answering your questions. What does this poem say to me? For me, this poem speaks not of love, but of emotional connection and how fragile it can be.  What do I think about it?  I like the layers- you’ve got beautiful imagery with all the butterfly references and a deep emotion in the story- both of things together make for a wonderful poem.

 

The title?  I find it to be deceiving. Based on the title alone, I was not expecting to read something with such great meaning. 

 

This is my memory of us.

About me

For you.

 

I really like these lines!  A great way to start the piece.

 

I feel we don't have together at the same time,

Even if we have each other in the same place.

 

I was a little confused upon first reading these lines, but as I read on, I understood. My opinion?  Perhaps a tad abrupt.

 

The flow and line breaks?  I think you’ve done a great job in this aspect.

 

Overall, a very enjoyable read.  Nicely done!  Thank you for sharing your words.

Reply
:iconsiedhr:
siedhr Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you very much for your critique.
Reply
:iconxryuusei:
xRyuusei Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Student General Artist
Woah! Lovely as always :heart: So! Here I go:

1) I think this poem has many meanings, but for me, it is about someone who has found that someone, but for some reason or another, they can't be together. Putting it simple, for me this poem represents that even though two people can be soul mates, they're not always meant to be together, because life implies way more than two people; it involves situations, feelings and the world as a whole (Maybe I'm being too pessimistic?). Anyway, I love the symbolism of the butterfly; it perfectly describes the way a relationship grows.

2) I really like the title, and there's a particular reason to it: I feel like it is really innocent. When I read it, I thought it'd be a cute, fluffy reading or something like that, but then I came across a rather sad, complex situation. I love the fact that the title contrasts with the actual poem.

3) Hmm.. You're unsure about those lines? Actually, I think they're prefect for this piece. They represent exactly what the poem is all about. As for the other lines, I don't think they're redundant. I had problems understanding them, but that's maybe because I don't dominate the English language Sweating a little... When I understood the meaning, though, they gave more value to the poem :)

4) Woah, flow and line breaks are just perfect. What I love about your works is the magnificent way you put words together; they seem to have a soul. This was not an exception :D

Amazing work! +fav

(Ohh, btw! This might sound strange, but what should I call you :3? I'm Shizu!)
Reply
:iconsiedhr:
siedhr Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you very much for your words. :)

1) I don't think you're being pessimistic, I think you're being a realist and mature in your way of seeing things. Romance doesn't have to exclude realism. And certainly love, real lasting love, must be rooted in real life and circumstances.
2) :) For me, the butterfly represents the ephemeral, those short glimpses of beauty that sometimes touch our lives. Innocence is surely part of it, because otherwise you can't see it or appreciate it.
3) I need to rework those last two lines. The meaning will stay the same, though.
4) I think that's because even though I write in English, my soul is Romanian and that's the way we write.

Hi, I'm Dana.
Reply
:iconxryuusei:
xRyuusei Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Student General Artist
You're very welcome :D It is such a charming piece :heart: Now that I think about it, your interpretation of the butterfly is better; after reading it again, it seems to me that the butterfly represents those special moments in our lives, rather than the evolution of a relationship.
I love the fact that you write in English being Romanian.. It makes your compositions very interesting, because when you're reading one you can notices some details that the English pieces don't have, and that makes it very special!

Romania... I've never been there, but I've always found it an interesting place... Besides, the pictures are just so beautiful!
Reply
:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is lovely beyond words... :frail: I'm not so great at giving critique, and I have not given many, but... I'll try. c:

1) What does this poem say to you? What do you think it's about? I'm very interested in how it comes across. I've tried to embed several layers of meaning in it. It should speak differently to people, depending on their life experiences and personality.

I love the concept of having poems with multiple meanings. I think it has a general them about love, but that could just be my interpretation of it. To me, the butterfly represents the emotions between two people, each being like one half of the butterfly, and in a way it also seems to represent freedom. 

2) What do you think of the title? It's catchy, but this poem is not really about love.

I think the title is pretty good. I know it's not supposed to be about love, but I catch a very love-type feeling from reading it... But it's almost like more of a friendship type love, I think? It also could be about how two people who are strangers relate to one another, maybe about being antisocial but that might be a stretch. 

3) I'm unsure about these lines:
"This is my memory of us.
About me
For you.
"
and
"I feel we don't have together at the same time,
Even if we have each other in the same place."
Are they redundant? I'm thinking about taking them out. 

Honestly, I really love these lines and I think they add a lot to the poem, in my opinion. The second one confuses me a little, but you should definitely leave the first set in, I think. 

4)What do you think of the flow, line breaks etc?

I think the way you have the line breaks set up for this is just perfect! :D Reminds me a lot of my own work that way. Everything seems to fit together nicely. I feel like you broke it up very well. 
Reply
:iconsiedhr:
siedhr Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Student Writer
Your critique was very good, and I'm not saying this because it was complimentary to me. You should give more.
1) Freedom is very interesting. It speaks for what we need from other people and from relationships, for ourselves.
2) No, that's a good read of the situation. When we meet people we feel an affinity with, in my experience, there's always a whirlwind of unformed emotion. And how we process it, depends on us. There's no right or wrong about it.
3) The second one needs to be reworked. "nods"

Thank you very much for your comment.
Reply
:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm so glad my critique was helpful to you. ♥ And you're welcome. Your writing style is really lovely. 
Reply
:iconsiedhr:
siedhr Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student Writer
Hug 
Reply
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