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War Child

Motto: "And he bearing his cross went forth into a place called the place of a skull, which is called in the Hebrew Golgotha." John's Gospel


The eagle flew high in the sky, scarring the ashen clouds with its mighty wingspan. It drew spirals closer and closer looming over the barren, frozen landscape watching, waiting. And then it saw the sluggish snake, carving a path between the hills.
It screamed, piercing the cold air.


The snake, tail lost into the forest, oblivious to its pursuer, slithered  heavily across the plain, rising its head halfway up the mountain, toward the east.  The large body, brown with a yellow patch, molded its shape to fit the pattern of rocky heaps, scattered here and there, but never stopped, not even during the night, no matter the obstacle, its determination leaving a wide trail of dejects and crushed grass. All along its rough outline, there was a swarm of black dots, little ants running through the thicket in search of food and water. They never went too far, always came back and disappeared among the others, trying to get as close as possible to the spine of the larger animal for fear of getting lost into the wilderness.

It sometimes shed skin, dull-grey scales of tired people, too old or too sick to keep up with the crowd, collapsing under the weight of their burdens. They would lay where they fell, slowly exhaling their last breaths in small wisps of steam, some begging for water, others crying silent tears, knowing full well their journey had reached the end.
The slope was arid and steep and the people had to crawl sometimes, on their hands and knees, like supplicants, feeding the crumbling earth beneath with their fluids. They used staffs ripped from the trees, stabbing their paths, bent under their burden as the snake sped up toward the smoky top. When they fell, the carcasses tumbled down fast, hitting the mountain fangs, tears splattered under their companion’s boots.
No one would stop for them or help them carry their weight.

“To each his cross”, thought a young man, walking with his wife within the neck of the snake.
They both wore warm, winter clothes and carried light luggage in a small cart, two suitcases each and provisions. They moved lightly in their proud health, passing by old, wrinkled women and small wide-eyed teens, all dressed in dull dark clothes, to match the hostile environment. The woman kept her eyes firmly planted on the ground, carefully bypassing obstacles, graceful on her high heels.

“They cannot possibly expect us to slow down for them, my dear”, he said, fastening his long coat, custom made. “We need to move forward, it’s getting too cold.”
“Oh, but those poor people. We could at least give them a small loaf of bread.”she whispered, adjusting her smart fur hat.
“We barely have enough for us. Think about it, now matter how pleased they would be that we have escaped, the city has only so many welcomes. That’s why it’s so important that we arrive among the first.”
The woman sighed heavily, leaning on his arm.
“But I’m so tired. Couldn’t we stop? Only for a moment.”
“There’s but little road ahead of us, my dear. See out there, the top of  the mountain? We can take a train from there.We still have some money left for the tickets.”
“It does not seem that far but I can’t really tell for all this fog.I’ve never seen such a thick, dirty fog. One could even think it was smoke.”
“Yes, a horrible weather for a walk wouldn’t you say?” he attempted to joke.

Suddenly,a bony hand grabbed the hem of the woman’s mantle.
“Water, water”, they heard a coarse voice. “Please have mercy, some water, lady!”
“Let go of me!” The woman screamed. She kicked the wretch with her foot.
“Please don’t hit him anymore. Can’t you see he’s hurting?” A tiny voice said at her side.
“He just wants a bit of water .”

The little girl tugged lightly at her sleeve, looking up with old eyes. Caught in her dark gaze, the woman stammered.
“I was scared, I didn’t mean to, I’m…” she trailed.
“Go on your way, lady, I’ll take care of him.”

The little girl took out a bottle of water from her oversized yellow coat and gave it to the dying man. She smiled gently and caressed his forehead as he coughed and splattered, then with a shudder, lay still among the dry leaves.
After a brief moment, she picked up her bundle, also bright yellow and attached it to the front, tied with a long black scarf, across her back and around her sturdy waist. It was almost as big as her and probably very heavy, because she had to straddle like a pregnant woman, belly forward, feet firmly planted on the ground. The bundle stirred and moaned, disturbed but then quieted, rocked by the rhythm of her climb.


The young woman had watched ashamed, as the child shed tears for the stranger.
“How old do you think she is?”
“Perhaps five”, her husband answered.
“But did you see her eyes and her face? She seems so much older, almost a woman.”
“Don’t be silly dear. These war children always look the same. Starved and pathetic. She’ll beg for some food soon, you’ll see. Spare your pity and concentrate on the road.”
“Excuse me, sir, but I’m not a beggar.” the tiny voice replied proudly from behind.
“Oh?”said the man, doubtful. “Well, you’ll soon run out of provisions if you keep throwing them away.”
The woman eyed her husband defiantly, fumbling in her bag.
“Here’s a candy for your brother, sweety!”
“Thank you, lady! But he’s not my brother, he’s my son.”
“So sad”, the woman said to her husband in a reproachful manner. “Of course, he’s in your care now, brave little one. Have you been walking for long?”
“Oh, for more than I can remember. It feels like I’ve been climbing forever. But soon, my son and I will reach the top and all will be well. We’ll be safe.”

The man snorted angrily and ignored the two chatting at his side. “Women!” he cursed. “I should give her a baby as soon as possible, maybe then she won’t get all maternal on every abandoned orphan.”he thought watching his wife wrap a wool shawl around the child’s head.

“You know, little kid, yellow is not such a good color for you. It’s easily spotted in case we have to make a run for it.”
“And it sullies so easily”the woman added hastily, kindly.
The little girl cradled the baby closer and said thoughtfully:
“I don’t like yellow that much but we had to dye our clothes.”
“Why?”the woman asked.
“Because of this.”the little girl pointed to the baby’s breast. And there it was, a bit of cloth, cut to look like a star, masterfully hidden in all the bright color.

The couple recoiled in fear and disgust.

“You! You’re one of them.”the woman shrieked. “You should have told me.”
“But what difference does it make?” The little girl stood rebuked. “I thought we were friends. You said you’d show us the city.”
“Now, now, child! You must understand we can’t be seen with the likes of you. God only knows where you stole that child from.” The man said severely. “ Come along, my dear! We fell behind our place.”
They hastened, clinging to each other, the woman whispering shocked.
“I didn’t know, how could I have known?”
“Quiet, now, hurry! Thank god we’re not Jewish.”

The little girl watched them walk away with sad eyes. She sucked on the candy and held tightly to the crying baby.
“Shush, my love! It’ll all be all right! Mommy is going to take care of you. No one will ever harm you, I promise.”
And there she went, straddling heavily through the cold, a small patch of yellow, carried away within the crowd.


The snake reached the smoky peak and started to uncoil resting his giant head on top of the mountain.
The eagle, high above, half hidden in a murky cloud eyed the ground while his peers assembled into formation. Then they dove silently as the little girl made her way into the mouth of the snake, engulfed in the bloody sunrise.
©2003-2010 ~siedhr
:iconsiedhr:

Author's Comments

Long break and this one is for the Decade contest. I know it's a bit rough around the edges (lack of time) and a bit rushed too (because of the word limit). Still, I hope you enjoy.
The main character is inspired by a real life person, a beggar I saw in the sub. The decade should be pretty obvious to anyone.
Many thanks to ~semirrahge , ~groovus and #derghaust for their invaluable help.
Screenshot courtesy of `anriel stock photography.

Daily Deviation

Given 2003-01-19

First Place winner for prose in the Decades Contest: War Child by Siedhr
( selected by `dspayre )
(Selected by ^faithwalker) (Featured by `faithwalker)

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconsaintartaud:
I keep making a promise to myself to go through your past work, but I never find the time. Well, *Bringa's recent entry got me here, so here I am. :)

First off, I noticed the formatting was rather odd. I'm not entirely sure why the chunks of paragraphs are so haphazard. It reads fine, but the extra line breaks are suggesting time lapses. If after each paragraph, you just need a double break, it wouldn't be such an issue, so that's what I suggest.

Also, *Bringa noted this, but his fix isn't correct. In chunks of dialogue where you refer to the speaker, it's supposed to be "No," he said. Commas and periods should always be enclosed. You should should also have a space after the quotation mark. I've never noticed this before in your work, so maybe it's just this piece. It made reading a little annoying.

The slope was arid and steep and the people had to crawl sometimes, on their hands and knees, like supplicants, feeding the crumbling earth beneath with their fluids.
You shouldn't need a comma after "supplicants" and I'm doubting whether you need it after "sometimes."

Otherwise, I haven't got any issues with the story itself. I'd say it's just about perfect so far as plotting and characterization are concerned. I like using the image of a snake to describe the line of people moving. Some of this reminded me of the opening scene in the French movie, Forbidden Games, and other WWII movies I have seen, though I think it's solid and more than cliche. It deals with the whole thing in a more universal sense, heightened by your lack of direct references. This makes a point about war and humanity in general, specifically our prejudices. I know that ideas mean a great deal to you, as in the meaning behind your work. It comes through clearly in this case and is very engaging.

--
my life in movies: [link]
:iconbringa:
Boo. I just had to do this piece at some point. Besides, I'm rereading you as I'm writing up my new journal entry. So, here we go:

The snake, tail lost into the forest,
Tail lost in the forest. (besides, I agree with Rachel concerning the comma after looming, a little higher)

rising its head halfway up the mountain
Raising.

their journey had reached the end.
Personally, I think 'its end' would sound a lot better.

The slope was arid and steep and the people had to crawl sometimes
Comma after steep.

“To each his cross”,
The problem in this is that you are probably translating a Romanian saying, right? There is a very similar German saying, so I know what is meant. The English version would be 'we all have our crosses to bear.' Consider using that?

They both wore warm, winter clothes
Eeergh, deja vu, I remember writing this before. Strange. Anyway: Warm winter clothes. When one adjective binds stronger to the noun than another, it is considered part of the noun for comma purposes.

and small wide-eyed teens
Comma after small.

“Oh, but those poor people. We could at least give them a small loaf of bread.”she whispered, adjusting her smart fur hat.
Punctuation around direct speech is a very shifty and difficult topic. It's hard to tell how to do it, but I can tell you that this is not how to do it ;) I would propose the following mode of punctuation:
... loaf of bread”, she whispered, ...
Note that I have removed the period inside the quotes (this is almost common practice) and that I have connected the quoted direct speech to the rest of the narration with a comma. Commas are good. Trust the comma nazi.

“It does not seem that far but I can’t really tell for all this fog.I’ve never seen such a thick, dirty fog.
Comma before but. Space after the period.

Suddenly,a bony hand grabbed the hem of the woman’s mantle.
Mind your spaces!

After a brief moment, she picked up her bundle, also bright yellow and attached it to the front, tied with a long black scarf, across her back and around her sturdy waist.
Comma after yellow. Parenthetic expressions must always be fully enclosed by commas.
Also, I get what you're trying to describe here, but it's very clumsy. 'To the front', for instance, sounds just plain odd and off. Maybe try to make this read a little better?

The young woman had watched ashamed, as the child shed tears for the stranger.
Again, this sounds odd. 'Had watched ashamed' especially set off my odd-o-meter. Maybe if you at least put a comma in front of ashamed. Note that this is not a grammatical comma correction: As it stands, your sentence is grammatically correct. By introducing a comma in front of ashamed you're turning it into a parenthetical expression.

“Oh?”said the man, doubtful.
Mind your spaces once more.

“Thank you, lady! But he’s not my brother, he’s my son.”
Is this true to context? I mean, obviously a five year old can't give birth (do correct me if I'm wrong, Doc). But even assuming she'd be older and the husband only thought she was five, how old could she be at most to cause such an assumption in a halfway sane person? Eight? Nine? Surely not old enough to actually have a son. If it's not her son, if she only calls him her son, I think you might want to make that clearer.

“I should give her a baby as soon as possible, maybe then she won’t get all maternal on every abandoned orphan.”he thought watching his wife wrap a wool shawl around the child’s head.
You quasi-slavic people and your cynic outlook on men as such!
Comma and space after the final quotation mark. Comma after thought.

“And it sullies so easily”the woman added hastily, kindly.
Yeah, comma and space.

“I don’t like yellow that much but we had to dye our clothes.”
Comma before but.

“Why?”the woman asked.
I will officially stop mentioning comma and space after quotation marks now ;P

“But what difference does it make?” The little girl stood rebuked. “I thought we were friends. You said you’d show us the city.”
She never said that.

The snake reached the smoky peak and started to uncoil resting his giant head on top of the mountain.
Comma after uncoil. Maybe you might want to use 'its' instead of his?

The eagle, high above, half hidden in a murky cloud eyed the ground while his peers assembled into formation.
Comma after cloud.


Overall, it is good, but I find myself unable to join in the cheering of the crowd. It's good, in my eyes, but just that. I like the image a lot, the eagle standing for the Nazis probably (what with the Reichsadler and all that), the snake image works very well as well, but that's it. I know you were working with a word limit here, so that pretty much defuses all my critique concerning how you should have introduced a bit more of a plot, showed us more about that girl and so on. I find this piece emotionally strong, no doubt. Plotwise, there just isn't much. It's good, quite good, but nothing more than good, for me.

--
SINAI BENDS
:iconsiedhr:
first of all thank you for the proof-read. i won't edit now cause i don't want to have the story popping up people's messages, i'll wait till the rewrite.
as to some observations:
-obviously he can't be her biological child. i thought it was clear due to the fact she's too young.

I find this a more targeted piece than i usually write. also, it's entirely character driven, nothing spectacular plotwise. in the rewrite, the girl will have more space and it will be sort of a cross between a scene/character study. i understand how it might not appeal to you. though it's highly metaphorical in intention. :P didn't you get any of the symbols (except for the eagle-snake thing)? I'm asking because even though the story is stunted, the overall metaphor should be easy to see, especially with the motto and all. let me know of this and i'll see how i'll work it out.

--
Siedhr TM: The Utimate GOD brand. Handle with CARE.
:worship:This is my sig. Worship my sig.:worship:
:icononblazingwings:
i like this a lot...ur excellent...it made me want to cry...:nod:

--
Don't judge me and I won't judge you.
:iconbritt-bratt:
Holy toledo! This is so good, I was so immersed in it I could have kept reading for quite a long time :D Great job! I can't believe I never noticed this on the featured!

--
:flagcanada:

Look and think before opening the shutter. The heart and mind are the true lens of the camera.

- Yousuf Karsh
:iconsiedhr:
Thank you for your comment. i'm very glad you enjoyed it. (gee, I sound like a caterer :laughing: )
It was featured some time ago, at least a year.

--
Siedhr TM: The Utimate GOD brand. Handle with CARE.
:worship:This is my sig. Worship my sig.:worship:
:iconbritt-bratt:
haha oh that explains it, in a month I'll have been here a year

--
:flagcanada:

Look and think before opening the shutter. The heart and mind are the true lens of the camera.

- Yousuf Karsh
:iconharmfulparticle:
Very glad I happened across this story - thanks for posting on my thread. I won't sit here and restate all the praise you got on the last two pagest, but I will say I have to agree with pretty much all of it. I am totally enamoured of this piece at the moment so I can't find anything I thought was a problem...i'll try and provide some constructive criticism later - but thank you for a wonderful read.

--
"I saved Latin - what did you ever do?"
:iconsexyfatbloke:
Just passing by, but I really liked this piece. I haven’t read any of your other stuff but i'll try to get round to it.

I loved the almost seamless transition from the snake to people, I had to work a little to get into it but once the characters were introduced it really started to skip. I thought the snake metaphor worked particularly well

Thanks for putting it up.

--
"Inked Ravens of Despair Claw Holes In The Arse Of The World's Mind", I mean what kind of a title is that? - Fry and Laurie
:iconla-serpentia:
disclaimer - I do not read much prose =p

first paragraph
It drew spirals closer and closer looming over the barren, frozen landscape watching, waiting.

maybe I'm just a punctuation whore, but I think that a comma between "closer" and "looming" would be nice.

second (or is it third?) paragraph
molded = moulded

getting lost into the wilderness
perhaps the word in instead of into. I think some more description of the wilderness would add more colour to this, make the wilderness come to life more perhaps.

The slope was arid and steep and the people had to crawl sometimes, on their hands and knees, like supplicants, feeding the crumbling earth beneath with their fluids.

I like this line alot, especially the last bit - I found it particularly clever.

I find that the word snake may be slightly overused, perhaps a synonym for it every now and then would be alright. Such as serpent (but then again I am partial to that word =P)

small wide-eyed teens
this was worded strangely

I think that the dialogue goes on for a bit long, yes it is realistic in that way, but it gets a little tedious

“Because of this.”the little girl pointed to the baby’s breast. And there it was, a bit of cloth, cut to look like a star, masterfully hidden in all the bright color.

the lead-up to this (despite previous comments) was simply fantastic. It shocked me, in a good way. *mouth still open*.

The metaphor overall worked very well, it didn't dominate the piece, but it gave it some good shape. The characterisation in this was very good, although I think in some bits you could condense it. Then again I mainly read poetry.

Either way this was very enjoyable, I felt truly immersed it, through well described imagery and the like.

--
Days of wine and roses, days of wine and roses
All the artists flew in and all the arseholes flew out in '72



<`MinorKey> and don't drink so much that you remember having fun...

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